Sunday, April 22, 2012

I'm looking for something.
But I don't know what, or where, or why.
Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by my own emotions. 
It's positively the worst thing in the world. I like to maintain a reasonable amount of control over my reaction to life. But you...well, you pull out the best and the worst from me. You make me laugh and cry and dance and die inside. You steal the shields and open the shutters, exposing the raw and unrefined parts of myself that I hide away. At times, I am so thoroughly relieved by this, because it means that you aren't ashamed of the person you know I am. Other times I get violatile and wounded, because I am still not sure wether I'm making much progress on becoming the person I want to be. The person I feel I owe the world. 
I want so badly to be a good thing. 
Humanity holds so much promise, but it all depends on the direction in which each individual takes their existence. It's beautiful, really, to know that one life is capable of such greatness and goodness. And you. You've managed to be such a reassurance whenever I think I may be doubting that. Making me open my eyes to less sought after dimensions as well as the comforts that you can't see in the dark. Oh, why do I ever cause or enter into a conflict? Even if everything isn't exactly as I think it may be, there's always a smoother way out. I feel that perhaps at times I just need to anchor myself a bit more to the solidity of life as I once knew it. I want the simple complexity of the wild. Extravagant dreams being what they are and the ground beneath my feet. To move and roll with where ever I should end up longing to be. I think that, at heart, I'm still a bit of a wild thing. Feeding the fires of my desperation for freedom by fighting against anything that might tie me down. I get curious about things I don't understand, but I also can become quite terrified and hostile when they end up being more than I thought they would. 
You are so much more than I thought you would be. 
And that frightens me so much. I know that you could very easily hurt me. So easily. My first and most primal reflex would be to tell myself that I had let it happen. By letting my guard down and letting you in I let go of my desire to be as safe as I could be. Trust is such a delicate thing. Such a powerful, dizzying, painful, lifesaving thing. 
I've put mine in you.
So please, world, be patient and know that, while this is a very difficult thing for me to do,
I'm getting better.

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