Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Frozen Ballet

The nights are worse than the days are. And I think that perhaps if it were spring things wouldn't be quite so bad. I need to be able to run around without all of this heavy clothing weighing me down. Climb a cliff face, play in a lake and then sit in the grass. But without any green things turn a bit monotonous. I'm trying to fix it though. I wake up and smile for the first few minutes, just to jump start those stubborn endorphins. Even if I don't wake up perfectly happy, it's an attempt. Running. I need to go running again. Why oh why does it have to be so inconveniently cold. My asthma would love me so much if I were to waltz out into these temperatures and burst into sprinting like I do. No excuses though. I need to go, and that is that.
I skipped Italian yesterday. I always feel awful and guilty when I do that. But I actually am pretty sure we didn't have class. I simply didn't want to check and see for sure wether or not we did. And that counts as skipping, right? Ballet was good though. I love ballet. It's so calming and simple and people tell you exactly what to do, but you still have to work for it. 
Ballet is good. 
I have it again today. 
That's something to look forward to.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

My Heavy Mind

There are those who grow young in the desert
Soft blooms with the wind in their sun strands of hair.
They shift the fine sands with bare feet found in wandering
across valleys and hills strewn with life, gilt with heat.
the moon's thin rays reach down to fade through the lashes
of eyes ringed with colors describing a soul.
There are those who grow young in the desert.
There are some who the deserts call home.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

>>-------> Kill Me With Arrows <-------<<...{Please.}


     Sometimes it is easy to sit and get out my emotional stress through more eloquently put words than these. But now is not one of those times.
I was fine earlier. Now...It sucks. Blog, my heart really hurts. Really. There's so much of it and I just want to  be able to walk outside and keep going through the sucky Utah winter night air until I'm numb with hypothermia. It's so easy to pretend to be happy and fine during the day when I'm around everyone else, because I can be focused on meeting their expectations and keeping them happy. But at night when I'm alone I feel it all over and over and wish I could just melt away forever.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Letter to Someone

Once upon a time a young fool invested significant amounts of her time, worry, hope, thought, care, willpower, physical effort, emotion, money, dreams, love, and everything else in securing a view of the world so fragile that it made stained glass windows look impossibly solid. Every time a flaw showed up she would try to fix it. Try to copy and paste, to bring back the flawlessly sleek finish it once had. But it's difficult to hold together a world made of splinters when all you have are your arms. So many different pieces of something so much bigger than the person I am. Hopelessly outnumbered, but I have to give it a try. Still, it always hurts to hear that your world isn't as lovely as you originally thought it was. Some friends aren't who they lead you to believe, family ties fray, lives get threatened, and old hurts get smacked around. But what I would really like to say is Thank you. I would have dropped to my knees, tipped over, and eventually stilled without the wonderful people who are willing to take me by the hand, and, with a smile, share their own versions of life with me.
I care for you so much more every day.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013


More Distractions

  • 1. What's your favorite candle scent? Mocha Caramel Latte
  • 2. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister? Audrey Hepburn, Ginger Rogers, or Emma Watson
  • 3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother? Sir Ian McKellen or Roo Panes
  • 4. How old do you think you'll be when you get married? Old enough
  • 5. Do you know a hoarder? My mother and father. Big time.
  • 6. Can you do a split? Yes
  • 7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike? About 5 or 6
  • 8. How many oceans have you swam in? 1, and anticipating all of them.
  • 9. How many countries have you been to? 2
  • 10. Is anyone in your family in the army? Yes
  • 11. What would you name your daughter if you had one? Rosemary Elizabeth (But I'd call her Rose or Rosie)
  • 12. What would you name your son if you had one? Oliver Kent
  • 13. What's the worst grade you got on a test? F(It was definitely Math)
  • 14. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child? Courage the Cowardly Dog
  • 15. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight? A bag of jelly beans
  • 16. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series? All three. I love Harry Potter like a brother and found the Hunger Games to be incredibly engaging. Twilight lacked substance though. Badly.
  • 17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent? I think either.
  • 18. Did your mother go to college? Yes. But only for a semester. Then she left for England.
  • 19. Are your grandparents still married? Oh yes.
  • 20. Have you ever taken karate lessons? No.
  • 21. Do you know who Kermit the frog is? Of course.
  • 22. What's the first amusement park you've been to? Knotts Berry Farm
  • 23. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in? Well, I'm currently learning Italian, but after that, Khmer, the language of Cambodia.
  • 24. Do you spell the color as grey or gray? Grey
  • 25. Is your father bald? He has a very full head of hair, actually.
  • 26. Do you know triplets? Probably.
  • 27. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook? Eh. I don't like romantic movies incredibly well, particularly melancholy romantic movies.
  • 28. Have you ever had Indian food? Indeed I have.
  • 29. What's the name of your favorite restaurant? Sakura...Or Hibachi House.
  • 30. Have you ever been to Olive Garden? Yes, yes.
  • 31. Do you belong to any warehouse stores (Costco, BJ's, etc.)? No, unfortunately.
  • 32. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender? Jeremy
  • 33. If you have a nickname, what is it? Jess, Bumler, Zoe, Jehkessah, Jessie-cat, Butt
  • 34. Who's your favorite person in the world? Probably Princess Belle.
  • 35. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs? Rural. I need space to run.
  • 36. Can you whistle? Yes, but I hate whistling unless it's my grandpa. He has the most beautiful whistle in the world. And I am dead serious about that.
  • 37. Do you sleep with a nightlight? Yes
  • 38. Do you eat breakfast every morning? Not every.
  • 39. Do you take any pills or medication daily? Yes
  • 40. What medical conditions do you have? Plenty.
  • 41. How many times have you been to the hospital? Enough
  • 42. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo? Yup
  • 43. Where do you buy your jeans? Wherever I find a nice and comfortable pair I can afford.
  • 44. What's the last compliment you got? I was told by someone that I am a genuinely good person.
  • 45. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning? Vividly
  • 46. What flavor tea do you enjoy? Bengal Spice or Orange Blossom Hibiscus
  • 47. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own? 15
  • 48. What religion will you raise your children to practice? LDS
  • 49. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn't real? I was in fourth grade.
  • 50. How many times have you been in love? Twice.
  • Dear Blog,

         I really desperately want to die of the plague. I can't do this.

    Monday, February 4, 2013

    Sick to Death Styracosaurus {Without Health Insurance}

    Dear Blog,

    .....Today sucks. It is awful. And I want it to be over. And the next day. And the next. And the day after that one. And after that. And the next. Until....I don't know when. Someone fix me.
     I feel like this...

    Something odd and out of place and about to become extinct, therefore, quite lonesome.
    His whole family is probably dead or lost in the mess of the dying cretaceous period. 
    This is it.
    Minus the pretty outdoors and serene forest-y light.
    Put the guy in a half frozen, slightly melty, crusty, muddy, too bright tundra and you'll be closer. The lights are probably the terrible florescent kind that flicker.
    Even better, once he's there, surround him by cheery people and make him do paperwork. Or tell him to fix a printer that he doesn't even know how to operate.
    With nail trimmers.
    And have someone kindly check up on him every hour or so, to see if he's doing alright.
    But he's not really the sort of dinosaur to let on that things in his life are a little bit crap.
    He'll just keep it to himself and do his best to fix the fetching printer.
    I hate printers.
    And today.