Monday, January 24, 2011

Letter to No One

Once upon a time a young fool invested significant amounts of her time, worry, hope, thought, care, willpower, physical effort, emotion, money, dreams, love, and everything else in securing a view of the world so fragile that it made stained glass windows look impossibly solid. Every time a flaw showed up she would try to fix it. Try to copy and paste, to bring back the flawlessly sleek finish it once had. But it's difficult to hold together a world made from splinters of things when all you have are your arms. So many different pieces of something so much bigger than the person I am. Hopelessly outnumbered, but I have to give it a try. Still, it always hurts to hear that your world isn't as lovely as you originally thought it was. Some friends aren't who they lead you to believe, family ties fray, lives get threatened, and old hurts get smacked around. But what I would really like to say is Thank you. I would have dropped to my knees, tipped over, and eventually stilled without the wonderful people who are willing to take me by the hand, and, with a smile, share their own versions of life with me.
I care for you so much more every day.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Dropping My Phone, Failing a Test, Biting My Tongue, and the Moment My Favorite Pen Runs Out of Ink

You know, I hate it when my cake falls frosting-side-down. Or when I knock over or drop the roll of paper towels/toilet paper and it all unravels. I never can seem to get the edges to line up perfectly again, or get the frosting to look as pretty as it did originally. But I think that those are a couple of things I'd miss terribly if I were to never experience them again. Because maybe that moment of frustration shows me that I'm alive and human. Just like the slight paranoia felt when I know the mosquitos are biding their time and the second I let my guard down they'll begin a campaign for my blood. Followed by the agitated itch a day later, and then a sense of wonder as I look up at a masterfully painted sunrise. Or even the panicked rush of realizing I've slept in and am now officially going to be late.
I suppose the point I'm trying to convey is that while it's true that you can't have the good without the bad, maybe the bad isn't as awful as a first glance tells us. There is always something to be found beneath it all, we just have to do a small amount of work to discover it. So from now on I think I will try to take the time to look a bit more closely at anything irritating. Because maybe I simply haven't seen it for what it really is, and that's why it bothers me so. Or maybe it truly is irritating and I'm exactly right. Either way, I'm lucky to have the life I have and be surrounded by the people in it.

And I suppose that's all that really matters, isn't it?

Sunday, January 16, 2011

As I Drive, Time Flies Out the Window

As much as I am so excited for college and the things waiting for me around the corner, they terrify me. I'm not as ready for it as I thought I was. It's funny how we think we're so grown up until the moment to stand alone arrives. Then we're like a deer in the headlights, frozen and scared as something comes hurtling closer at unnatural speeds. I still want to have a little time to be young and hopelessly stupid. I feel like I haven't been able to be a kid as much as I would have liked to lately.
I still want to be. I want to be able to do young, insane, dumb things like staying out later than I should or having a crush on someone I shouldn't. I just feel that maybe that would be like jumping through a door that's already nearly shut. Maybe I'll make it, or maybe I'll just end up getting hurt. Maybe I'll make it and find that whatever is inside isn't really worth it.
Well, it's not closed yet, I've still got a couple of months to deliberate, so we'll see what happens. No time like the present, right?


Did anyone else almost die of shock when they found out that the trademark "D" was in fact, a "D?" I mean, when you're a small child it just makes sense that it's a scrolled symbol, but the second you realize it's actually a letter and it says something? My mind was blown.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Cogs and Wheels

You know those days where your mind is running a million miles an hour straight towards nowhere? Well, that was today. Don't get me wrong, I got a lot accomplished, I just feel like in the long run it may not matter. Which leads me to feel that I have accomplished nothing at all. I'm noticing that this is an increasingly common problem for me. I feel I have so much to offer, but I don't know what to offer it to. What paths will make me feel the happiest and most fulfilled? Can any of them even do that? What do I want out of life? Why do I want it? Does it even really matter? How is what I'm doing relevant to time and humanity at all? It's all a bit overwhelming, but I have to find the answers because otherwise I am inclined to feel a bit....well, pointless. Truly.
I have the most insanely difficult time waking up in the mornings. My bed is warm, I'm still worn out, I haven't gotten enough sleep, and I am not sure wether or not whatever good comes from my day will be worth exposing myself to the frigid below zero temperatures of my car. My hands usually go completely numb on my way in to school because I have to stop periodically to scrape the outside of my windows all over again, and then the inside because the fog from my breath instantly freezes to the inside of my windshield.
Once I'm at school, I face an onslaught of mundane tasks, from which the only escape is theatre, dance, music, or ignoring whatever is being shoved at me and drawing pictures. But why am I seriously bothering with any of these? They aren't likely to be a stable field to go into [[says everyone]] but they're what I love. I've been told that sometimes a love for something isn't enough though. So, I continue plodding along in my bleaker divisions of education as well. I consider these to be, "The Grey Areas." Once I've managed to survive another day of it all, I go sit in an office and listen to some of the people I care about discuss matters of interest. I love this. It's probably my favorite part of the day, but then, at the same time, it makes me so sad. I feel I have so little to contribute to the conversation. I want to talk, but what if I say something completely stupid? I'm also particularly excellent at tripping over my own words, which always negates whatever point I was making anyways. So I close off, listen, and pull unceasingly at my trains of thought, trying to sort through them and find some worthwhile opinion to voice.
It's not that I can't talk in front of people. I can. I'm pretty good at it too. I just can't talk in front of the people I love and respect the most. I worry that they might find some unforgivable flaw in me and their opinion of my person will lessen. Or they'll realize that I wasn't truly worth their time in the first place. Which isn't an appealing prospect. I aspire to be different though. One day I will be able to say exactly what I mean in a confident and audible tone. Perhaps by then I will also have found a purpose. Until that happens though, I will fall into a restless sleep every single night, dreading what my mind will dream up, and recoiling at the thought of the cold I will face the following day. A following day that is both too near and too far away. I know I can hang on to myself through it all though, and before too long the frost and ice will melt away, and it will be spring time again.
I can almost smell it.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

First Times Happen

First Blog Entry....
Well, as luck would have it, I am sending myself to bed.
I had planned to write something grand and thought provoking, but maybe I'll just settle for a few basic words. After all, aren't they usually the most real? For now, know that I am acknowledging that there is a first for everything, and just because you tripped over your own feet or tongue or ambition initially doesn't mean you shouldn't brush yourself off and try again.
So I believe I will.
.....Or maybe just later.
'Til then.