Post-Grad.

"And it's a sad picture, the final blow hit's ya. Somebody else gets what you wanted again...But I believe in whatever you do and I'll do anything to see it through, because these things will change. Can you feel it now? These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down...Cause baby you're a firework. Come on, show 'em what you're worth."

-Graduation Song, LHS 2011

Well, there it is. I'm officially competed with high school. :)

Puzzles, Cosmos and Campfires

You live such a charmed life.

Truly.

And I don't even think you quite know it.

...You're the one that things just work out for...

I'm somewhat the opposite, in my own odd way.

Life throws me curve balls once in a while.

Or thrice in a while.

Maybe more than that.

But not as many as it sends others....

I know there are people who have it worse than I do.

I just wonder why we each get dealt the hand we hold.

Were you simply born under a luckier star than I was?

Or are you doing something right that I am not?

If that's the case, then why hasn't someone told me I'm doing it all wrong yet?

Maybe no one has even noticed.

Maybe that's why some people end up doing everything wrong.

What is the world watching though?

Are they preoccupied with their own selves?

Or are they too busy watching and examining those who are doing it all right?

Perhaps certain individuals just burn brighter.

You're a cosmo, I'm a campfire.

I'm not trying to complain.

Really, I'm not.

I'm not after sympathy, I don't want your attention.

I tell my computer screen what to project back at myself in the hopes of discovering some deep and life changing secret in what is written there.

Maybe the second time it runs through my brain the pieces to the puzzle will all work out okay.

Everything will fit.

I usually just find that I am not nearly as good at spelling as I originally thought.

A fact frequently underlined in red.

I just need some way to feel like I'm telling everyone what is on my mind while still telling no one and keeping things to myself.

And maybe this isn't accomplishing anything like that.

But it feels like it helps.

Sometimes.

.

.

.

.

At times it seems I am trying as hard as I can to hang on to my dreams and hopes and ambitions while yours are being handed to you coupled with a complimentary chocolate piece left on your pillow.

Why must I work seven times harder than you do just to gain one tenth of what you get for being where we're at?

Now I'm ranting.

This post will not have a long shelf life.

It's the kind I write out to get something out of me before I close it all off again.

Then I'll delete it.

It will be gone.

Perhaps.

.

.

.

Maybe it will stay for a while.

The way a fire's charcoal skeleton might leave a mark on a person's skin should the two shake hands.

Then it will wash or wear away.

Band-Aids, Questions, and Moving Pictures

I feel like my mind is an old film strip that's moving too quickly. The pictures are there, and the story's being told. But it's going too fast for me to get a firm grasp of what is really going on....Is this real life? Or am I dreaming? Because I often wonder how I would be able to differentiate between one reality and another. What if everything is all just one big sham? If so then wouldn't my worries be a bit less akin to the high frequency whine of malfunctioning technology? I mean, it's there to help you, you know it is, but after a certain measure of time it becomes more of an irritant than a help...

................Topic change...{sort of}...Have you ever felt impressed to tell someone something because you desperately just....seem to think you should? And there have been so many moments where you could say it, but you just felt as though the timing wasn't right or maybe it was a bad idea altogether? And they notice that there's something to be said that you are not saying. Something you're biting the inner edges of your mouth together to hold in. But is that necessary? You want to tell them, and they would want you to...{you think}....But what if they didn't? And what if their reaction just made things more problematic? What if their reaction just ended up causing them more difficulty than anything. If that ends up being the case then you are to blame for it {Cheers.} Would it help if you waited? Is timing your deterrent a la moment? Or will waiting just make it worse? I find a frequent issue in deciding what matters should be dealt with in a manner similar to that of a band-aid, quick and mildly to significantly painful. Should you spit it out and hope that the fact that you told them right off the bat lets them know how much you care and trust them? Would that help things a little bit? Of course, then you risk having horrible timing and messing things up....Or should you wait a while? Hope that the issue fades at least a small amount, or that something will occur to aid in softening impact? In this case, however, you risk something quite the opposite coming about that makes it all even worse than it was initially.............

Yes, yes my mind is definitely moving at a quicker pace than my perception is able to fully comprehend.

On a Brighter Note...

I have so much to be thankful for. :)

It is true.

I am astonished by all that I have been given, the people I am lucky enough to know and love, and the times I am gifted with experiencing. Sometimes I have to stand up for myself, yes, but usually I can slip under the world's radar and live my own little life. I'm grateful for that. :)

Matters of Steady Rotation and an Axis

Today feels like a premonition. A forewarning of something. It seems I am surrounded by a bubble of happiness and warmth. Despite this, In the distance I see snow wrapped mountains locked in icy filigree, promising cutting winds of the sort that would numb from everything other than their presence. A sight impressing upon me that the cold and storms are slowly surging back in. Biding their time. Waiting for a more fragile version of myself to show forth. One I kept dormant and safe through the frozen winter. Waiting until I've become accustomed to my warm and happy bubble, so that when they do hit they hit me where it will hurt the most. And they hit hard.

Perhaps it is something else entirely, though. Is it that spring decided to start here, spilling outward in a splash of sunshine and I am now sitting at the centermost point on the growing radius that is summer's predecessor? Perhaps what at first glance seems to be the claws of winter crawling towards me is, in actuality, the tail of it's retreat? Could more frigid temperatures be slowly melting upward out of the valleys, towards the peaks, and back into their hollows and caverns? Frost's hibernation period has begun, now it's our turn to revel in the sunlight and open air. Time to take hold of something brighter and softer and let ourselves grow. Step forward, shake off lethargy, and unwind, displaying deeper, fuller color. Here comes the sun.

Experiencing Slight Turbulence

Hmmph...

Today is one of those crawl-beneath-the-bed-and-pretend-not-to-be-in-the-room days. School tomorrow....bleeehhh. Gag me. Senioritus has a firm hold over my health. It is possible I shall never recover. In the event that it gets the better of me, I bequeath my possessions to those who need them most. By this I mean that I would dearly love for them to find their way to third world countries and commence enriching the lives of the inhabitants. I'm certain they won't be taken for granted there...Hmmm...My esteemed colleague Spring sent me an e-mail, it says winter has overstayed it's welcome and if it had any manners it would pack up and leave, taking it's biting winds, ice, and muddied sludge with it. I quite agree with this statement and fully endorse the movement.

On a different note, what in the world am I going to major in? I haven't the foggiest idea...well, maybe a foggy idea...or a smoggy one...{[HA! Smoggy.]}...Hum dee dum...This is really just a ranting, isn't it? I'm simply putting down whatever my brain comes up with. That, my friends, is called the blind leading the blind. My brain is a complete mystery to me. Which would probably be why I am appalled any time anyone says they understand me or where I'm coming from. I don't even understand these things myself...That's what I should major in. Myself. I would be the only expert in the world...

Huh, this seems to be getting slightly self-centered. I enjoy focusing on more external matters. Stonehenge for instance. Who put that there? And what were they thinking? I mean, sure, it's a nice way to get attention, but if you don't bother to give us a way of knowing who precisely is responsible then the credit all goes to anonymity. Leave a plaque or something next time. Although, if you do, the government might track you down and fine you for defacing public land. Maybe you should first purchase a small plot in the middle of what has potential to be, say...a housing development? A national park? A strip mall? Otherwise your idea is sort of like a light bulb of incorrect wattage. It could just make a mildly startling popping noise and go out. Or, in the even that you REALLY screw up and manage to trigger something else as you flip the switch, it could explode. Making a mess that may ultimately prove to be more painful than you had anticipated. That's life though. Everyone experiences some slight turbulence before they have something of Stonehenge proportions to their name. Once you get it right though, you really get it right. And that, my friends, that must look pretty impressive on a resume.

Other People Are People Too

Hmmmm...I feel so irritated...and I have no idea why...what is up with me today?

Maybe it's because yesterday was less than ideal, maybe it's because I had crappy dreams last night, maybe it's my headache, maybe it's because I've been breaking my own rules for around a month or so, maybe it's because I've been on the biggest emotional roller coaster of my life the past while and my subconscious is retaliating...meh. Whatever it is, it's here to remind me to be humble and kind and human.

So please don't take offense should I act unusual or abrupt. Because it's not what the ideal me would prefer I do...It's just my humanity acting out. :)

A Matter of Perspective; the Sun is Coming Around

There are days that seem so very bleak empty.

Like the snow towards the end of January, where the soft, clean, white is gone, leaving behind a sharp grey skeleton of ice and grime. Walking around is no walk in the park. At least, not a park I'd like to spend my time in. More like a park where the people are all communicating their want for closeness, but the Distance between them is filled with enough of a lonely, dry, biting wind to keep them from being content. So maybe there are days like that. Days where you're too awake to close your eyes and feel content, but too tired to open them to optimism. There's a flip side though. Better days piling up to better weeks, which meld into better months, that will spill into a glass-half-full kind of a year.

That's my type of good time.

As a child, I always wondered if the man in the moon ever felt sad at not getting to see the sun. After reflecting on the matter, I remembered that the moon isn't the only light in the night sky. Now I think that perhaps he feels content with a trillion stars for company. Because while we only see a tiny glimmer, if we were to get a closer look we'd know that every drop of light was secretly brilliant. We're just too far away to know exactly what it is we're looking at. Realizing this made me think that Maybe the sun gets lonely, not having stars around to keep her company. But then I remembered that the stars are incredibly constant. The sun is just too busy being as bright as it can for them to be visible.

So maybe it's all a lesson in humility.

If we're looking for one, I mean.

I guess it's all a matter of perspective.

From mine, I'm certainly glad you're in my sight lines. Because I am starting to feel that if you weren't, I'd be an awful lot like a cloud covered night in late January.

Letter to No One

Once upon a time a young fool invested significant amounts of her time, worry, hope, thought, care, willpower, physical effort, emotion, money, dreams, love, and everything else in securing a view of the world so fragile that it made stained glass windows look impossibly solid. Every time a flaw showed up she would try to fix it. Try to copy and paste, to bring back the flawlessly sleek finish it once had. But it's difficult to hold together a world made from splinters of things when all you have are your arms. So many different pieces of something so much bigger than the person I am. Hopelessly outnumbered, but I have to give it a try. Still, it always hurts to hear that your world isn't as lovely as you originally thought it was. Some friends aren't who they lead you to believe, family ties fray, lives get threatened, and old hurts get smacked around. But what I would really like to say is Thank you. I would have dropped to my knees, tipped over, and eventually stilled without the wonderful people who are willing to take me by the hand, and, with a smile, share their own versions of life with me.

:)

I care for you so much more every day.

Dropping My Phone, Failing a Test, Biting My Tongue, and the Moment My Favorite Pen Runs Out of Ink

You know, I hate it when my cake falls frosting-side-down. Or when I knock over or drop the roll of paper towels/toilet paper and it all unravels. I never can seem to get the edges to line up perfectly again, or get the frosting to look as pretty as it did originally. But I think that those are a couple of things I'd miss terribly if I were to never experience them again. Because maybe that moment of frustration shows me that I'm alive and human. Just like the slight paranoia felt when I know the mosquitos are biding their time and the second I let my guard down they'll begin a campaign for my blood. Followed by the agitated itch a day later, and then a sense of wonder as I look up at a masterfully painted sunrise. Or even the panicked rush of realizing I've slept in and am now officially going to be late.

I suppose the point I'm trying to convey is that while it's true that you can't have the good without the bad, maybe the bad isn't as awful as a first glance tells us. There is always something to be found beneath it all, we just have to do a small amount of work to discover it. So from now on I think I will try to take the time to look a bit more closely at anything irritating. Because maybe I simply haven't seen it for what it really is, and that's why it bothers me so. Or maybe it truly is irritating and I'm exactly right. Either way, I'm lucky to have the life I have and be surrounded by the people in it.

And I suppose that's all that really matters, isn't it?

As I Drive, Time Flies Out the Window

As much as I am so excited for college and the things waiting for me around the corner, they terrify me. I'm not as ready for it as I thought I was. It's funny how we think we're so grown up until the moment to stand alone arrives. Then we're like a deer in the headlights, frozen and scared as something comes hurtling closer at unnatural speeds. I still want to have a little time to be young and hopelessly stupid. I feel like I haven't been able to be a kid as much as I would have liked to lately.

I still want to be. I want to be able to do young, insane, dumb things like staying out later than I should or having a crush on someone I shouldn't. I just feel that maybe that would be like jumping through a door that's already nearly shut. Maybe I'll make it, or maybe I'll just end up getting hurt. Maybe I'll make it and find that whatever is inside isn't really worth it.

Well, it's not closed yet, I've still got a couple of months to deliberate, so we'll see what happens. No time like the present, right?

Disney

Did anyone else almost die of shock when they found out that the trademark "D" was in fact, a "D?" I mean, when you're a small child it just makes sense that it's a scrolled symbol, but the second you realize it's actually a letter and it says something? My mind was blown.

Cogs and Wheels

You know those days where your mind is running a million miles an hour straight towards nowhere? Well, that was today. Don't get me wrong, I got a lot accomplished, I just feel like in the long run it may not matter. Which leads me to feel that I have accomplished nothing at all. I'm noticing that this is an increasingly common problem for me. I feel I have so much to offer, but I don't know what to offer it to. What paths will make me feel the happiest and most fulfilled? Can any of them even do that? What do I want out of life? Why do I want it? Does it even really matter? How is what I'm doing relevant to time and humanity at all? It's all a bit overwhelming, but I have to find the answers because otherwise I am inclined to feel a bit....well, pointless. Truly.

I have the most insanely difficult time waking up in the mornings. My bed is warm, I'm still worn out, I haven't gotten enough sleep, and I am not sure wether or not whatever good comes from my day will be worth exposing myself to the frigid below zero temperatures of my car. My hands usually go completely numb on my way in to school because I have to stop periodically to scrape the outside of my windows all over again, and then the inside because the fog from my breath instantly freezes to the inside of my windshield.

Once I'm at school, I face an onslaught of mundane tasks, from which the only escape is theatre, dance, music, or ignoring whatever is being shoved at me and drawing pictures. But why am I seriously bothering with any of these? They aren't likely to be a stable field to go into [[says everyone]] but they're what I love. I've been told that sometimes a love for something isn't enough though. So, I continue plodding along in my bleaker divisions of education as well. I consider these to be, "The Grey Areas." Once I've managed to survive another day of it all, I go sit in an office and listen to some of the people I care about discuss matters of interest. I love this. It's probably my favorite part of the day, but then, at the same time, it makes me so sad. I feel I have so little to contribute to the conversation. I want to talk, but what if I say something completely stupid? I'm also particularly excellent at tripping over my own words, which always negates whatever point I was making anyways. So I close off, listen, and pull unceasingly at my trains of thought, trying to sort through them and find some worthwhile opinion to voice.

It's not that I can't talk in front of people. I can. I'm pretty good at it too. I just can't talk in front of the people I love and respect the most. I worry that they might find some unforgivable flaw in me and their opinion of my person will lessen. Or they'll realize that I wasn't truly worth their time in the first place. Which isn't an appealing prospect. I aspire to be different though. One day I will be able to say exactly what I mean in a confident and audible tone. Perhaps by then I will also have found a purpose. Until that happens though, I will fall into a restless sleep every single night, dreading what my mind will dream up, and recoiling at the thought of the cold I will face the following day. A following day that is both too near and too far away. I know I can hang on to myself through it all though, and before too long the frost and ice will melt away, and it will be spring time again.

I can almost smell it.

First Times Happen

First Blog Entry....

Well, as luck would have it, I am sending myself to bed.

I had planned to write something grand and thought provoking, but maybe I'll just settle for a few basic words. After all, aren't they usually the most real? For now, know that I am acknowledging that there is a first for everything, and just because you tripped over your own feet or tongue or ambition initially doesn't mean you shouldn't brush yourself off and try again.

So I believe I will.

Tomorrow.

.....Or maybe just later.

'Til then.