Soldi

Money. 

Gah. I understand the necessity of it, but I wish so badly that it weren't such a problem. I hate feeling like I cannot afford school, food, a home. The necessities of life. It is something that greatly distresses me. I wish I could just send an e-mail to Bill Gates and say "Hey, Mr. Gates! I am wondering if you could spot me just until I'm able to finish school. I work hard, apply for scholarships, and busted my butt before coming down to school, but I sort of experienced some health problems that really hurt me financially and are still doing so. Heck, I can't even get proper treatment for them because I can't afford it....So, if you aren't too busy, and it's not too much trouble for you, then maybe you could give me a hand. I would appreciate it an awful lot. Thanks so much for your consideration and time, Mr. Gates. Sincerely, Jessica"....-Sigh- We'll all float on okay though! I'm just going to chin up, keep smiling and do my best to continue doing what is required of me. Things will work out. I can do this.

Wanderlust and Ruin

Cambodia

I am pulled to journey.

I have such a desire to sit in the middle of a ruin and sketch it out, paint it, and take it all in, because I know it won't last forever and I want to always have a reminder.

Always

This made me sob.

My heart just bleeds for him.

The humanity of Snape is one of the most beautifully portrayed essences of the journey that is Harry Potter. And that is quite a role to have played, as Harry Potter became something that defined an entire generation throughout the world. It's not just a phase we went through, it's a lesson we learned. Something that we incorporated into the period of time that reformed us as a people. It's a defining factor in a group of youth that will one day aid in the running and shaping of this world.

Through these books and movies, through this journey, I learned to believe in magic.

I was taught to have hope when all seemed lost. I know that those who have gone on never truly leave us, and that our friends can be our greatest strengths (or weaknesses) when our own strength is not enough. Not everyone is who they seem, and even the brightest and purest hero has a past. What makes them a hero is what they have chosen to do with the time they have left. The thing that truly matters is what we do with our future. Do not discard anyone, because they may just be the thing that holds us together and prepares us for our most difficult battle.

Love is the greatest gift.

On another note, long live Alan Rickman!

~Jessica

To Want

Lepidoptera

Know that when you feel like life will never go back to being as good as it once was it is because it never will. This is because it is in the process of becoming better. Every caterpillar has to spend a time in the darkness before it becomes a butterfly. For each one, things start out simple. Life is lived day to day, no task other than to take it all in. Then there comes a time when you know that things are no longer going to stay the same. Changes surround you completely and you shut yourself away from the world, because you need some time to figure out what and who you truly are. Sometimes that darkness and solitude are so overwhelming that you want to shrink to nothing. But this is not the end. You are to become something so much more. The day will come when you are ready. On that day, you'll greet the world having transformed into something that you never thought you were capable of being. Something magnificent and wonderful. And then you'll know that it was worth the short trip through the dark. Just wait it out, hold on, and know that you are capable of something impossible.

One Day, I intend to fly away. And from that vantage point, I will realize that I had only ever crawled.

How Lucky I Am

You are the one thing that I believe I would be perfectly okay to fall endlessly into. 

I Trust You 

more than I trust myself and 

I Love You

more than I quite know how.

I am cognitively aware of the fact that I am frequently wrong and generally hold great potential to cause a mess. However, this makes me realize that, although I am not always as put together and polished as I would like myself to be, 

you have never failed to hold me together and love me, seeing through my walls to the person you know I can & am working to be. 

I Want so much 

to be the same to you. 

You are my very best friend.

Thank You 

For Being a never ending supply 

of the Thing I Need Most in this world. 

Not everyone understands our relationship, and you know what, they don't need to. 

It's ours for a reason. 

And, oh, I am glad.

So glad.

For everything.

{The Little Things}

*Being the biggest dorks around and not caring at all
*Sushi at Hibachi on weekdays between two and five
*Watching Doctor Who episodes together all afternoon
*Making REALLY good food from scratch and enjoying it
*Rocking our classy vintage attire simply because we can
*Taking me to see the Ririe Woodbury Dance performance
*Those moments where we're ridiculous and laugh about us



{The Big Things}

*That moment on your birthday one year ago
[You know which one I'm talking about]
*The fact that I trust you more than anyone in the world
*The fact that you taught me to trust again
*The way we took our relationship seriously in a mature way
*The way you have stuck with me despite my seizures.
[I know {I KNOW} That is absolutely not easy
for you at all. You are the best man I know and I
cannot say that I know anyone else who would
absolutely do the same thing for me. That is just one
way that you have shown me and continue to show
me every day that you honestly do love and care for me
*That you can admit when you're wrong and have the ability
to laugh about it with me when I am.
*That you tell me I'm beautiful on days when I haven't quite
showered just yet and am one big, sloppy, mess of a girl.
*When we're realizing that something about our relationship
isn't perfect (no one's is) and we sit and talk about it, which
leads to us sitting and talking about anything and everything.
Which generally leads to us sitting and laughing about everything.

Vous avez mon coeur.

La Histoire

For reasons entirely my own I greatly desire a vintage rampage. I just love it. So much. Can someone please give me a hand here? Cause I may need some extra sanity in order to preserve my own. I just...nngah. I want to have my own house with rooms that I can fill with interesting and beautiful antiques and things I have made. I always want everything to have a story. I can't help but feel that perhaps everything should. Stories are so wonderful, and with everything now being manufactured in factories with shiny, new, freshly colored plastic I often feel that I am wanting more. Which is why I am so delighted to find something as wonderful as the book I happened to pick up yesterday, Won By Waiting by Edna Lyall. It was written and published in the late 1800's and was her first book. I have an original copy, not a re-print, but an original. A red, worn, cover with a symbol stamped into the front of it. Gorgeous. Or the framed newspaper from the 1800's, complete with a certificate of authenticity, proudly hanging on my wall over my treasured Underwood typewriter. Truthfully, I may have no money left should I keep this up.

The Daily Rant: Issue Number 1

Noisy, messy, immature, inconsiderate room mates. Let me simply confess, I shall never, ever miss them. I've only ever had one, yet still, I shall never, ever miss her. Ne'er, e'er, e'er. Alas, I am still caught between wether I shall be abandoning this place, moving far from her irritating dramas. Let it be known that I would greatly love to never have to live with her again. But. Let it also be known that I love my other room mate and would be sad to no longer be seeing her. I once thought that perhaps I would be staying here for a good amount of time...Now I don't know if I would want to. I just don't like living with people who aren't clean and considerate and think a pit bull to be a small dog, then bringing home a german shepherd/black lab mix without warning or permission. The contract specifies no pets allowed. Not that the fact that the contract that was signed had specific guidelines ever prevented her from bringing home alcohol. That'd be far too weird. I don't intend to be silently trodden on. I'm tolerant, not a push over.

"The aim of every artist is to arrest motion, which is life, by artificial means and hold it fixed so that a hundred years later, when a stranger looks at it, it moves again, since it is life." William Faulkner

You know that moment? 

That wonderful, vivid, beautiful moment where you feel the blossoming passion of something you have always loved so much being rekindled right at the core of your very being? The incredible moment that these words will never be adequate to describe, because part of the beauty of that passion is in the fact that its very purpose is to express what words are not enough for. From the second you feel it gently begin to stir within you, wrapping right around where your sternum meets your ribcage and then slowly spreading and growing and unfurling. Coiling it's way down your spine, up your neck and into every bone in your body. Everywhere. Until you feel so alive with the new fervor that it has brought to your existence that you can't bear to surpress the impulse it brings with it. 

Then you take action. 

And sometimes it can take a while for you to let yourself get back into appreciating the complete sense of happiness that you feel in these moments. Because you're a responsible adult, and as much as you absolutely love this, there are always things that are viewed by society as being much more of a priority. And you certainly wouldn't want to let society down now, would you?

But what about yourself?

Is it truly possible at all to make everyone happy without making yourself miserable? How do you give up something so dear to you for the sake of practicality? One might say that practicality is necessary in order to hold on to other things that one finds dear. But is that only due to the mindset of previous generations? Has tradition diminished the potential of being happy and content in all things? Or are some of us doomed to never knowing what it is like to wake up in the morning with the purpose to go and make a living doing something we love so much and then also come home to the people we love as well, knowing with a firm peace of mind that we are taking good care of them? Did some simply give up too soon?

Whatever the reason, and whatever the cause, I intend to strive for the potential to qualify for both. Despite obstacles and obstinacy, I shall try.

Work is all that can get me there, for as dear Billy Shakespeare has said...

"Nothing can come from nothing."

To See, or Not to See?

I am learning to see the world differently. 

People aren't who I originally presume they are, and things aren't always what they seem.

...

Oh gosh, who am I kidding.
I really just need my contacts back. 

That's the bottom line.
I have been blind(ish) for nearly a week now and it's really been an event. Really. Thursday of last week I woke up with one eye swollen shut and the other less than open. I must say, I just managed to get into public and back out again with my mortal self intact. Then, of course, I couldn't really wear my contacts for a day or so, and after that I was a stellar student and managed to leave them at Sydney's. I always did get the gold star in school. To make matters worse, I cannot for the life of me find my store of contacts. I've had boxes of them for a while now, but they've been lost in the madness that is my room. And have you ever tried searching with all of your heart and soul for something you can only find by physically seeing when you really, in all reality, can't see? It's... difficult to say the least and infuriating, to be more accurate. My efforts were fruitless, I now have a bruise on my hip, and I remained blind. This made Church services on Sunday especially interesting. Whoever was on the stand had to be announced, otherwise I interpreted their shape, size, and hair color as the first person who's physical description could potentially meet the given criteria. The meeting was lovely. My childhood friend led the music, while grandma played the organ and Teddy Roosevelt conducted with opening and closing statements.

I really need to invest in a pair of glasses.

I Grew in the Sight of the Sun

"Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair."

~Kahlil Gibran

***

 It is more important to be gently great than to be so untouchable by that which is honestly and purely good. Balance is one of the most sought after traits yet one of the fewest recognized attributes. Those who have a level head often make the wisest decisions.

I have found few things that make me feel whole as much as enjoying the earth does. 

I was meant to spend much of my time out of doors, with nothing to shut me in or alter my environment. Nothing satisfies like a walk or a run through the original, clean, wonderful state of things. I grew up in the sight of the sun. That singular, warm, golden eye that gives life and energy to all it surveys. My feet want nothing more than to feel the gritty shifts and green whispers of the changing grounds and grasses. And I must resist the urge to hide the fact that, as the earth dirties and callouses my soles, it cleanses and smooths the rough edges of my inner self. Of my soul.

I long to feel no concern at the marketability of the world around me.

I only wish to value and experience it.

.....To Catch My Breath

<Inhale.>

I find my energy stores to be quickly evaporating. Which is quite distressing. I am at a bit of an impasse as to wether or not I should rest it off or try to vigorously work it from my system. I'm determined to ride it out, one way or another.
I have to ride it out. 
I don't have options here.

There is no other choice.

<Exhale.>

I feel...kind of like Timmy probably did when he had fallen down the well.

Only, my parents never let me have a dog, growing up. 

Sorry, Lassie, but you're out of context here.

Oy.

<Inhale.>

Tomorrow I am going to sleep in.

Wake up.

Get ready for the day.

Go to work.

Come home.

Make food.

And deal with it like a big girl.

<Exhale.> 

It is going to be a good day.

I am going to be happy with it.

{Nothing} Can Be Very Time Consuming

I love having an empty schedule. It means that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want to. Assuming that it is practical, of course. And sometimes, I just like to sit and experience what it is to be exactly who I am at this particular moment in time. 

Today is a content day. 

Of a drift on the wind and roll down the river sort.

Isn't it wonderful that I am in possession of the ability to change the world?

Isn't it wonderful that we all are?

Wether or not we choose to do so at any given moment is entirely up to us.

I will wait for the wisdom to know what for and why I will fight.

The bigger battles are the ones that require the most thought.

I Go to Seek a Great Perhaps

Those times when you feel as though life is so full of reasons to be joyful

Warm blankets from my childhood

Baby animals

Smiling at people I don't even know in the grocery store

A good vintage boutique/consignment

Art museums full of pieces I don't necessarily understand, but can appreciate

Finding a wonderful new musician

Watching a beautifully done musical or play

Rearranging my furniture just for fun

Spending time with my best friend Sydney

Eating a perfectly ripe orange on a sunny day

The smile on an unfamiliar face after I've given them a heartfelt compliment in passing

Driving with the windows down along an empty country road

Visiting my extended family

A nice day spent working hard in the yard.

I'm looking for something.

But I don't know what, or where, or why.
Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by my own emotions. 

It's positively the worst thing in the world. I like to maintain a reasonable amount of control over my reaction to life. But you...well, you pull out the best and the worst from me. You make me laugh and cry and dance and die inside. You steal the shields and open the shutters, exposing the raw and unrefined parts of myself that I hide away. At times, I am so thoroughly relieved by this, because it means that you aren't ashamed of the person you know I am. Other times I get violatile and wounded, because I am still not sure wether I'm making much progress on becoming the person I want to be. The person I feel I owe the world. 

I want so badly to be a good thing. 

Humanity holds so much promise, but it all depends on the direction in which each individual takes their existence. It's beautiful, really, to know that one life is capable of such greatness and goodness. And you. You've managed to be such a reassurance whenever I think I may be doubting that. Making me open my eyes to less sought after dimensions as well as the comforts that you can't see in the dark. Oh, why do I ever cause or enter into a conflict? Even if everything isn't exactly as I think it may be, there's always a smoother way out. I feel that perhaps at times I just need to anchor myself a bit more to the solidity of life as I once knew it. I want the simple complexity of the wild. Extravagant dreams being what they are and the ground beneath my feet. To move and roll with where ever I should end up longing to be. I think that, at heart, I'm still a bit of a wild thing. Feeding the fires of my desperation for freedom by fighting against anything that might tie me down. I get curious about things I don't understand, but I also can become quite terrified and hostile when they end up being more than I thought they would. 

You are so much more than I thought you would be. 

And that frightens me so much. I know that you could very easily hurt me. So easily. My first and most primal reflex would be to tell myself that I had let it happen. By letting my guard down and letting you in I let go of my desire to be as safe as I could be. Trust is such a delicate thing. Such a powerful, dizzying, painful, lifesaving thing. 

I've put mine in you.

So please, world, be patient and know that, while this is a very difficult thing for me to do,
I'm getting better.

Mais, Oui, Mon Amis!

"And then they told us that the cat we've adopted, Lyla, is in fact a boy."

I love my friends.

:)

Truly.

We can do and talk about nearly anything and have a good time. It doesn't matter where we are, or if we spend money or not, we have good times. And those are the best kind of friends. The ones who are simply willing to enjoy your company, no matter what you're feeling up to. I am lucky to have lots of those. And of course, there are different friends that I go to for different things in particular. Just like you go to different books to gain a more specific knowledge of one thing or another. 

Yeah. We're cool.

The Reluctant Insomniac

So, I do this thing where I lay completely still {Without A Sound} for hours trying to catch some sleep. Apparently I'm the one being baited though because I never seem to be able to get my hands on any.

I'd count sheep, but I can't find them either.
And the sandman doesn't get a warm welcome from those who wear contact lenses.

Just trust me.

Avec Moi

I've had moments where I reread things I've written and wonder at the way I sound.
Because I don't want to be viewed as someone who shouldn't be taken seriously.
I would like to be taken very seriously as a person. But not so seriously that I seem separate from the light, fun part of the world. This is all written in the manner that I think....And I think that the way people form thoughts is quite different from the way they speak. It's as though we protect our true identity {the thoughts} through speaking like those we associate with. Becoming part of a whole while disguising certain bits of our individuality. And this isn't always necessarily bad or wrong. Who says you should reveal everything about yourself to any and everyone. Why, that would be comparable to streaking, which, while generally viewed as inappropriate by the public, some find to be quite satisfactory. There is relevance to the complete disregard for social boundaries displayed by those who say whatever comes to mind. And if I am doing this via blog then I can't help but wonder...does this make me an occasional virtual verbal streaker?

Even if it does, and while I'm sure it can put me in a negative light, I don't regret it. I think that there's a certain freedom to it. I shouldn't be ashamed of the way I write and develop, just because others have progressed further or said less. So. I am content.

I Find Myself in Need of An Umbrella

It smells like rain. :)

I love it when it does that.

Looks like rain too.

I got my sandal clad feet wet in puddles on my way outside, and was perfectly okay with it.

Sometimes I just wish I could spend my entire life living in the spring.

I'm so much happier during the spring time. It's my very favorite season. Summer is nice and all, but spring time is just...beautiful. The beginning of it smells like hope and towards the end you're just happy it's here. Everything is turning from brown to green and it's like the world exhales all of the color it pulled back into hiding so as to provide an appropriate canvas for winter's white.

I am very ready to be immersed in a spring shower.

Bring on the rains.

Arthur and I

Ohhh myyyy gossshhhhhh.

{This is that moment where I throw myself back onto the bed with one arm over my eyes and the other hanging halfway off into the open space that meets with the edge of the mattress.}

I need to get out more.

Lately, I have spent wayyyy too much time inside.

But it's difficult to go places when you aren't {technically} allowed to drive and you are nervous to run or walk anywhere alone {just in case you happen to have a seizure on the way.}

I should just be rich and hire a butler to do my driving for me.

His name will probably be Arthur, and he'll be incredibly british. So British, in fact, that he won't be able to understand me unless I also speak in a British accent. We'll drive all over the place. My car is black, so I am pretty positive I don't need a paint job. Maybe tinted windows though. Just to fit the profile.

I'll probably need to stop wearing sweats everywhere. Because I'm sure that Arthur will wear a suit when we're out and about. Pearls are always a nice touch. I love pearls. That settles it. I'll just have to sport pearls. As well as sunglasses and a nice lipstick. Not necessarily red though. I'm fond of a good nude to peach tone. Maybe a bit of a brownish tint. And we'll go to art museums. I'll be curious and studious and always bring my sketch book along to draw in and document my musings. I bet I'll probably need a pair of nice gloves. Short ones, appropriate for daywear, to hide the grey evidence that tends to stain along the side of my right pinky and knuckles as well as my fingertips when I draw. Arthur will probably be rather strict concerning my new hypoglycemic dietary restrictions. He'll not be rude about it though. He's got that British class. The kind that makes you listen to what he says, even if you don't want to. We shall have to stop what we're doing at around three for tea time scheduled to happen nearly every day at precisely three fifteen. Arthur will be very well read, and we will discuss Shakespeare, Aristotle, Plato, Miss Austin, and various historic texts. Sometimes Arthur will sit in his spectacles and read whatever suits his fancy while waiting for me to finish up a painting in the park. Then he will chauffeur a particular young man and myself to a play or an opera. Of course, we will invite him along on occasion. After all, Arthur isn't just a butler, he's one of the family. Though of course, he has his own agenda at times. I'm pretty sure he moonlights as a member of Scotland Yard and works with the FBI on international cases. He's a bit of a hero that way....

Yes. I should definitely get a butler.

"She Needs To Sort Out Her Priorities."

~I love this. Recently I've been looking at lots of pieces that involve repurposing old texts by using them as backing for drawings and even one style of art that requires cutting out thousands of tiny individual letters and gluing them to form messages that create a picture.~

I'm going to be fully and bluntly honest {I'm good at that...sometimes I guess it offends people...But I never try to be offensive, because I am also a bit of a pacifist. A lot of a pacifist I suppose.} I am going to admit that both yesterday and today have been the kind of days where I sit in my room in only my underwear and do artsy things.

All. Day. Long.

Medical Leave allows for that. Yes, I am on medical leave at work. There are up sides and down sides, but I try to think only about the upward swing.

In the past week I have managed to watch Beauty and the Beast a lovely total of four times {this considered, I still am contemplating watching it a fifth time...probably today.} It is my very favorite Disney movie and is great comfort food for my brain. :)

I also drew a picture of Belle and Prince Adam {a.k.a. the Beast} kissing at the end right after he's turned human again. I love that. I just want to be Belle. She's great.

I have decided that, due to the fact that I have all of this extra time, generally spent alone and at my apartment {I am also not allowed to drive while on medical leave, due to the cause. [seizures] Making doing things away from home difficult} I should do things I enjoy that can also be productive and use materials I currently possess. Mostly because though it's a mandatory 3 month medical leave, it is unpaid.

And I need rent money to cover that time period.

Oyyy vey.

:)

It's all swell though, because I had savings and tax returns. Thank the heavens! :D

Anyhow, I made a nice shirt for myself yesterday. I like it.

I'd put up a picture, but I have no camera. Sad, but true.

I have also decided to bust out my paints and canvases and make lovely art for the walls of my home. I wish I could paint directly on the walls themselves, but sadly, that is strictly forbidden.

If I ever get a camera then I will put photos of my work up to give my blog a bit more personality. I'm still figuring out some of the mechanics, even though I should have it down by now. I am not very good technologically. I can jump start a car and drive stick shift though! :D

I want my apartment to be more beautiful than it currently is. I didn't really get much creative input when it came to decorating the place, truth be told. And my room mates, while lovely, have a rather different taste in decor than I do. Maybe they wouldn't mind if I got a bit of a say in things. I've been living here the longest out of the three of us anyways....huh. Now I'm just thinking through the keyboard.

A Quick Overview And A Relapse

I don't want to start with, "Where do I start..."

I've not been blogging. But I've been living.

I have been around, just not around here.

As of late I have been someone rather unexpected.

Sometimes you find that you are not at all the person you imagined you would be.

Not that that's a negative thing. Not at all. It's just interesting.

I feel as though the younger me is someone I knew years ago.

A childhood friend who I wonder about from time to time, hoping she's doing well.

I wonder what she's like now. Is she doing grand things with her life like she always said she would? Did she ever master the violin or get a horse? I hope she's doing well. Maybe if I run into her one day we could reconnect. I bet we'd be friends again. I'd like that.

I find my current self to be someone very different from that girl. Someone much more on her own than I ever really expected to be. Not that it's always the most necessary thing. But I've become accustomed to it. I now associate dependency with clipped wings or a trapped animal. I don't like feeling as though I require someone else to get by day to day. But that is exactly what I do need now. I've developed a certain number of traits {.exactly 2.} that require me to depend on an outside source for a certain level of survival. Both cause me to feel confused at times, and a bit wild. They make my sense of humour do funny little cartwheels, but also have made me more solid and grounded. One of the two causes me to shake and fall and I wouldn't be devastated at seeing the end of it. The other I would very sorely miss. It holds me steady and brings my focus. When that doesn't work and I hit the deck, it gives me motivation to ride out the storm and stand on my own two feet. I believe that, while both are much more current than the girl I used to be, with the help of an anchor I am finding my sea legs.

My Apologies, But My Life Seems To Have Created An Absence

Ho Hum.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Yes. Yes it has. I'm not apologizing, because I got a good amount done in that while. I've seen lots of things, done lots of things, and been to many places. I even tried to join a revolution of sorts. Truly. But I just ended up getting confused, then discouraged, and am still sort of swimming around the pond, trying to figure my way up onto a more solid understanding of what to do. I find that everyone wants to make a difference. Make their own mark, have their own place, write their own history. Sometimes we just don't know where to start. Sometimes We start in the wrong places. And sometimes we turn down easier paths, leading to immoral decisions and angry things. Which gives the rest of us something to fight for.

This brings me to my question, are villains necessary for the existence of heros? Or would the absence of heros merely provide for a world full of only heros? Must there be balance in all things? Equals and opposites? Who here can answer that? Truly?

I know I can't. can only provide you with the wanderings and musings of a young girl in today's society.