Wednesday, April 11, 2012

A Quick Overview And A Relapse

I don't want to start with, "Where do I start..."
I've not been blogging. But I've been living.
I have been around, just not around here.
As of late I have been someone rather unexpected.
Sometimes you find that you are not at all the person you imagined you would be.
Not that that's a negative thing. Not at all. It's just interesting.
I feel as though the younger me is someone I knew years ago.
A childhood friend who I wonder about from time to time, hoping she's doing well.
I wonder what she's like now. Is she doing grand things with her life like she always said she would? Did she ever master the violin or get a horse? I hope she's doing well. Maybe if I run into her one day we could reconnect. I bet we'd be friends again. I'd like that.
I find my current self to be someone very different from that girl. Someone much more on her own than I ever really expected to be. Not that it's always the most necessary thing. But I've become accustomed to it. I now associate dependency with clipped wings or a trapped animal. I don't like feeling as though I require someone else to get by day to day. But that is exactly what I do need now. I've developed a certain number of traits {.exactly 2.} that require me to depend on an outside source for a certain level of survival. Both cause me to feel confused at times, and a bit wild. They make my sense of humour do funny little cartwheels, but also have made me more solid and grounded. One of the two causes me to shake and fall and I wouldn't be devastated at seeing the end of it. The other I would very sorely miss. It holds me steady and brings my focus. When that doesn't work and I hit the deck, it gives me motivation to ride out the storm and stand on my own two feet. I believe that, while both are much more current than the girl I used to be, with the help of an anchor I am finding my sea legs.

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