To See, or Not to See?

I am learning to see the world differently. 

People aren't who I originally presume they are, and things aren't always what they seem.

...

Oh gosh, who am I kidding.
I really just need my contacts back. 

That's the bottom line.
I have been blind(ish) for nearly a week now and it's really been an event. Really. Thursday of last week I woke up with one eye swollen shut and the other less than open. I must say, I just managed to get into public and back out again with my mortal self intact. Then, of course, I couldn't really wear my contacts for a day or so, and after that I was a stellar student and managed to leave them at Sydney's. I always did get the gold star in school. To make matters worse, I cannot for the life of me find my store of contacts. I've had boxes of them for a while now, but they've been lost in the madness that is my room. And have you ever tried searching with all of your heart and soul for something you can only find by physically seeing when you really, in all reality, can't see? It's... difficult to say the least and infuriating, to be more accurate. My efforts were fruitless, I now have a bruise on my hip, and I remained blind. This made Church services on Sunday especially interesting. Whoever was on the stand had to be announced, otherwise I interpreted their shape, size, and hair color as the first person who's physical description could potentially meet the given criteria. The meeting was lovely. My childhood friend led the music, while grandma played the organ and Teddy Roosevelt conducted with opening and closing statements.

I really need to invest in a pair of glasses.

I Grew in the Sight of the Sun

"Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair."

~Kahlil Gibran

***

 It is more important to be gently great than to be so untouchable by that which is honestly and purely good. Balance is one of the most sought after traits yet one of the fewest recognized attributes. Those who have a level head often make the wisest decisions.

I have found few things that make me feel whole as much as enjoying the earth does. 

I was meant to spend much of my time out of doors, with nothing to shut me in or alter my environment. Nothing satisfies like a walk or a run through the original, clean, wonderful state of things. I grew up in the sight of the sun. That singular, warm, golden eye that gives life and energy to all it surveys. My feet want nothing more than to feel the gritty shifts and green whispers of the changing grounds and grasses. And I must resist the urge to hide the fact that, as the earth dirties and callouses my soles, it cleanses and smooths the rough edges of my inner self. Of my soul.

I long to feel no concern at the marketability of the world around me.

I only wish to value and experience it.

.....To Catch My Breath

<Inhale.>

I find my energy stores to be quickly evaporating. Which is quite distressing. I am at a bit of an impasse as to wether or not I should rest it off or try to vigorously work it from my system. I'm determined to ride it out, one way or another.
I have to ride it out. 
I don't have options here.

There is no other choice.

<Exhale.>

I feel...kind of like Timmy probably did when he had fallen down the well.

Only, my parents never let me have a dog, growing up. 

Sorry, Lassie, but you're out of context here.

Oy.

<Inhale.>

Tomorrow I am going to sleep in.

Wake up.

Get ready for the day.

Go to work.

Come home.

Make food.

And deal with it like a big girl.

<Exhale.> 

It is going to be a good day.

I am going to be happy with it.

{Nothing} Can Be Very Time Consuming

I love having an empty schedule. It means that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want to. Assuming that it is practical, of course. And sometimes, I just like to sit and experience what it is to be exactly who I am at this particular moment in time. 

Today is a content day. 

Of a drift on the wind and roll down the river sort.

Isn't it wonderful that I am in possession of the ability to change the world?

Isn't it wonderful that we all are?

Wether or not we choose to do so at any given moment is entirely up to us.

I will wait for the wisdom to know what for and why I will fight.

The bigger battles are the ones that require the most thought.

I Go to Seek a Great Perhaps

Those times when you feel as though life is so full of reasons to be joyful

Warm blankets from my childhood

Baby animals

Smiling at people I don't even know in the grocery store

A good vintage boutique/consignment

Art museums full of pieces I don't necessarily understand, but can appreciate

Finding a wonderful new musician

Watching a beautifully done musical or play

Rearranging my furniture just for fun

Spending time with my best friend Sydney

Eating a perfectly ripe orange on a sunny day

The smile on an unfamiliar face after I've given them a heartfelt compliment in passing

Driving with the windows down along an empty country road

Visiting my extended family

A nice day spent working hard in the yard.

I'm looking for something.

But I don't know what, or where, or why.
Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by my own emotions. 

It's positively the worst thing in the world. I like to maintain a reasonable amount of control over my reaction to life. But you...well, you pull out the best and the worst from me. You make me laugh and cry and dance and die inside. You steal the shields and open the shutters, exposing the raw and unrefined parts of myself that I hide away. At times, I am so thoroughly relieved by this, because it means that you aren't ashamed of the person you know I am. Other times I get violatile and wounded, because I am still not sure wether I'm making much progress on becoming the person I want to be. The person I feel I owe the world. 

I want so badly to be a good thing. 

Humanity holds so much promise, but it all depends on the direction in which each individual takes their existence. It's beautiful, really, to know that one life is capable of such greatness and goodness. And you. You've managed to be such a reassurance whenever I think I may be doubting that. Making me open my eyes to less sought after dimensions as well as the comforts that you can't see in the dark. Oh, why do I ever cause or enter into a conflict? Even if everything isn't exactly as I think it may be, there's always a smoother way out. I feel that perhaps at times I just need to anchor myself a bit more to the solidity of life as I once knew it. I want the simple complexity of the wild. Extravagant dreams being what they are and the ground beneath my feet. To move and roll with where ever I should end up longing to be. I think that, at heart, I'm still a bit of a wild thing. Feeding the fires of my desperation for freedom by fighting against anything that might tie me down. I get curious about things I don't understand, but I also can become quite terrified and hostile when they end up being more than I thought they would. 

You are so much more than I thought you would be. 

And that frightens me so much. I know that you could very easily hurt me. So easily. My first and most primal reflex would be to tell myself that I had let it happen. By letting my guard down and letting you in I let go of my desire to be as safe as I could be. Trust is such a delicate thing. Such a powerful, dizzying, painful, lifesaving thing. 

I've put mine in you.

So please, world, be patient and know that, while this is a very difficult thing for me to do,
I'm getting better.

Mais, Oui, Mon Amis!

"And then they told us that the cat we've adopted, Lyla, is in fact a boy."

I love my friends.

:)

Truly.

We can do and talk about nearly anything and have a good time. It doesn't matter where we are, or if we spend money or not, we have good times. And those are the best kind of friends. The ones who are simply willing to enjoy your company, no matter what you're feeling up to. I am lucky to have lots of those. And of course, there are different friends that I go to for different things in particular. Just like you go to different books to gain a more specific knowledge of one thing or another. 

Yeah. We're cool.