Thursday, March 14, 2013

Fallen From Grace

It takes a while. And maybe it's not fully time. But I'm here and I'm moving and it's good. The emotions come out like currents of air. Curling through the air as my spine arches, rolling off of the extension of fingertips and tipping to the ground to swirl around shifting, moving, tracing feet that aren't lost but wander just the same. Tolkien would be proud....

I can't compose my thoughts. You're everywhere and nowhere and while I'm full up inside with you the way our lives met, I feel every crevice, every gap, every space you left behind. Breathing is empty. Never full of the satisfactory rise and syncopated fall of double lungs. I'm breathing. And beating. Alive, but not fully. Not whole. Not really.
But wholly myself. With nothing detracting, and nothing distracting from every second that drops to the past during which I am only, solely, and absolutely just....This. One glittering, wet ink word on a page in a book too small to write a world but too big to hold me when I can't keep the corners of my lips wide up. And again and again and you're fine and I'll live and the days adding up we give weight to avoid having wasted with one other than The One. And the weighted words we exchanged as promises you now turn to trinkets you say have expired. For you, long ago. Though you fulfilled them up to now. So tell me. If you can. Please. How does this happen? Because to me, in all honesty, it feel like one day you woke up and decided to give up. And there's something that you're keeping from me. Something that you won't tell. And I can feel it. You know I can. And I know I can. Yet you're fine. You've moved on and you're ready to focus on you. Truth is, you did all along. You took and you took and you took and nothing was ever enough. Until you took the one thing you knew you shouldn't have. You taught me to breathe just to suffocate me. To watch as the air left my lungs and the light left my eyes as your hands pulled me close, wrung me dry. Is it easier to know that you've killed someone who you stopped loving before they stopped breathing? Step over the body and walk away, shrug out of the weight of a love you don't love and live farther than life can survive. You're alive.