Post-Grad.

"And it's a sad picture, the final blow hit's ya. Somebody else gets what you wanted again...But I believe in whatever you do and I'll do anything to see it through, because these things will change. Can you feel it now? These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down...Cause baby you're a firework. Come on, show 'em what you're worth."

-Graduation Song, LHS 2011

Well, there it is. I'm officially competed with high school. :)

Puzzles, Cosmos and Campfires

You live such a charmed life.

Truly.

And I don't even think you quite know it.

...You're the one that things just work out for...

I'm somewhat the opposite, in my own odd way.

Life throws me curve balls once in a while.

Or thrice in a while.

Maybe more than that.

But not as many as it sends others....

I know there are people who have it worse than I do.

I just wonder why we each get dealt the hand we hold.

Were you simply born under a luckier star than I was?

Or are you doing something right that I am not?

If that's the case, then why hasn't someone told me I'm doing it all wrong yet?

Maybe no one has even noticed.

Maybe that's why some people end up doing everything wrong.

What is the world watching though?

Are they preoccupied with their own selves?

Or are they too busy watching and examining those who are doing it all right?

Perhaps certain individuals just burn brighter.

You're a cosmo, I'm a campfire.

I'm not trying to complain.

Really, I'm not.

I'm not after sympathy, I don't want your attention.

I tell my computer screen what to project back at myself in the hopes of discovering some deep and life changing secret in what is written there.

Maybe the second time it runs through my brain the pieces to the puzzle will all work out okay.

Everything will fit.

I usually just find that I am not nearly as good at spelling as I originally thought.

A fact frequently underlined in red.

I just need some way to feel like I'm telling everyone what is on my mind while still telling no one and keeping things to myself.

And maybe this isn't accomplishing anything like that.

But it feels like it helps.

Sometimes.

.

.

.

.

At times it seems I am trying as hard as I can to hang on to my dreams and hopes and ambitions while yours are being handed to you coupled with a complimentary chocolate piece left on your pillow.

Why must I work seven times harder than you do just to gain one tenth of what you get for being where we're at?

Now I'm ranting.

This post will not have a long shelf life.

It's the kind I write out to get something out of me before I close it all off again.

Then I'll delete it.

It will be gone.

Perhaps.

.

.

.

Maybe it will stay for a while.

The way a fire's charcoal skeleton might leave a mark on a person's skin should the two shake hands.

Then it will wash or wear away.

Band-Aids, Questions, and Moving Pictures

I feel like my mind is an old film strip that's moving too quickly. The pictures are there, and the story's being told. But it's going too fast for me to get a firm grasp of what is really going on....Is this real life? Or am I dreaming? Because I often wonder how I would be able to differentiate between one reality and another. What if everything is all just one big sham? If so then wouldn't my worries be a bit less akin to the high frequency whine of malfunctioning technology? I mean, it's there to help you, you know it is, but after a certain measure of time it becomes more of an irritant than a help...

................Topic change...{sort of}...Have you ever felt impressed to tell someone something because you desperately just....seem to think you should? And there have been so many moments where you could say it, but you just felt as though the timing wasn't right or maybe it was a bad idea altogether? And they notice that there's something to be said that you are not saying. Something you're biting the inner edges of your mouth together to hold in. But is that necessary? You want to tell them, and they would want you to...{you think}....But what if they didn't? And what if their reaction just made things more problematic? What if their reaction just ended up causing them more difficulty than anything. If that ends up being the case then you are to blame for it {Cheers.} Would it help if you waited? Is timing your deterrent a la moment? Or will waiting just make it worse? I find a frequent issue in deciding what matters should be dealt with in a manner similar to that of a band-aid, quick and mildly to significantly painful. Should you spit it out and hope that the fact that you told them right off the bat lets them know how much you care and trust them? Would that help things a little bit? Of course, then you risk having horrible timing and messing things up....Or should you wait a while? Hope that the issue fades at least a small amount, or that something will occur to aid in softening impact? In this case, however, you risk something quite the opposite coming about that makes it all even worse than it was initially.............

Yes, yes my mind is definitely moving at a quicker pace than my perception is able to fully comprehend.

On a Brighter Note...

I have so much to be thankful for. :)

It is true.

I am astonished by all that I have been given, the people I am lucky enough to know and love, and the times I am gifted with experiencing. Sometimes I have to stand up for myself, yes, but usually I can slip under the world's radar and live my own little life. I'm grateful for that. :)

Matters of Steady Rotation and an Axis

Today feels like a premonition. A forewarning of something. It seems I am surrounded by a bubble of happiness and warmth. Despite this, In the distance I see snow wrapped mountains locked in icy filigree, promising cutting winds of the sort that would numb from everything other than their presence. A sight impressing upon me that the cold and storms are slowly surging back in. Biding their time. Waiting for a more fragile version of myself to show forth. One I kept dormant and safe through the frozen winter. Waiting until I've become accustomed to my warm and happy bubble, so that when they do hit they hit me where it will hurt the most. And they hit hard.

Perhaps it is something else entirely, though. Is it that spring decided to start here, spilling outward in a splash of sunshine and I am now sitting at the centermost point on the growing radius that is summer's predecessor? Perhaps what at first glance seems to be the claws of winter crawling towards me is, in actuality, the tail of it's retreat? Could more frigid temperatures be slowly melting upward out of the valleys, towards the peaks, and back into their hollows and caverns? Frost's hibernation period has begun, now it's our turn to revel in the sunlight and open air. Time to take hold of something brighter and softer and let ourselves grow. Step forward, shake off lethargy, and unwind, displaying deeper, fuller color. Here comes the sun.

Experiencing Slight Turbulence

Hmmph...

Today is one of those crawl-beneath-the-bed-and-pretend-not-to-be-in-the-room days. School tomorrow....bleeehhh. Gag me. Senioritus has a firm hold over my health. It is possible I shall never recover. In the event that it gets the better of me, I bequeath my possessions to those who need them most. By this I mean that I would dearly love for them to find their way to third world countries and commence enriching the lives of the inhabitants. I'm certain they won't be taken for granted there...Hmmm...My esteemed colleague Spring sent me an e-mail, it says winter has overstayed it's welcome and if it had any manners it would pack up and leave, taking it's biting winds, ice, and muddied sludge with it. I quite agree with this statement and fully endorse the movement.

On a different note, what in the world am I going to major in? I haven't the foggiest idea...well, maybe a foggy idea...or a smoggy one...{[HA! Smoggy.]}...Hum dee dum...This is really just a ranting, isn't it? I'm simply putting down whatever my brain comes up with. That, my friends, is called the blind leading the blind. My brain is a complete mystery to me. Which would probably be why I am appalled any time anyone says they understand me or where I'm coming from. I don't even understand these things myself...That's what I should major in. Myself. I would be the only expert in the world...

Huh, this seems to be getting slightly self-centered. I enjoy focusing on more external matters. Stonehenge for instance. Who put that there? And what were they thinking? I mean, sure, it's a nice way to get attention, but if you don't bother to give us a way of knowing who precisely is responsible then the credit all goes to anonymity. Leave a plaque or something next time. Although, if you do, the government might track you down and fine you for defacing public land. Maybe you should first purchase a small plot in the middle of what has potential to be, say...a housing development? A national park? A strip mall? Otherwise your idea is sort of like a light bulb of incorrect wattage. It could just make a mildly startling popping noise and go out. Or, in the even that you REALLY screw up and manage to trigger something else as you flip the switch, it could explode. Making a mess that may ultimately prove to be more painful than you had anticipated. That's life though. Everyone experiences some slight turbulence before they have something of Stonehenge proportions to their name. Once you get it right though, you really get it right. And that, my friends, that must look pretty impressive on a resume.

Other People Are People Too

Hmmmm...I feel so irritated...and I have no idea why...what is up with me today?

Maybe it's because yesterday was less than ideal, maybe it's because I had crappy dreams last night, maybe it's my headache, maybe it's because I've been breaking my own rules for around a month or so, maybe it's because I've been on the biggest emotional roller coaster of my life the past while and my subconscious is retaliating...meh. Whatever it is, it's here to remind me to be humble and kind and human.

So please don't take offense should I act unusual or abrupt. Because it's not what the ideal me would prefer I do...It's just my humanity acting out. :)